I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
