His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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