I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
