Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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