we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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