u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
