I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
