everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
