were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
