hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
