I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
