i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
