When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
