Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
