Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I deserve this hangover.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
