It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
