i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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