a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
