Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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