bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
