that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
