Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
