I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
