my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
