Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
