My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
