exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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