We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize