Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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