The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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