that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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