My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
