So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Text me some of your sweat
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