Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
