awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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