You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
