one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
