I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
