I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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