ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
