So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
