There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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