I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
