You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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