I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
