Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
