If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
