If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
