how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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