Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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