do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
