Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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