last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
