God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
